What kind of divorce?
What kind of divorce am I heading for?
Bitter battle or amicable split? Some people head for a bitter battle, like Paul McCartney’s divorce, while others achieve a more dignified amicable split like Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The consequences are far reaching for the couple and their wider family. When you know what influences the kind of divorce people have, you can steer yourself and your divorce down the path you choose.
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Also
The legal process you choose makes a big difference to the kind of divorce you may have.
Decide which legal route best suits you
Broadly, there is the traditional route or something called the collaborative law model. Mediation may form part of the traditional route. Based on experience and interviewing various lawyers, here is what we would summarise and suggest.
Mediation - this is where both parties have a mediator, who may also be a trained lawyer, to help both parties agree the way forward. Once you get agreement in principle you go back to your traditional lawyer to progress things. The outcome of mediation is not binding until it’s approved by the court and if one of the parties’ lawyers believes the agreement is unfair they may persuade their client to ignore the outcome of the mediation. Mediation can be appropriate when both parties are able to communicate with each other without one feeling intimidated or dominated or too upset, and when both parties have sufficient understanding of the financial options and longer term financial and emotional implications of any legal agreements. Mediation can also be helpful after the divorce if there are further disputes e.g. over children or money.
Traditional - this is where each party has their own lawyer acting on their sole behalf. Some lawyers have a reputation for trying to get the most possible for their clients and will adopt a fighting attitude. They may encourage their clients to ask for more because they feel they have to encourage them to get the most. Other traditional divorce lawyers find that co-operating with the other lawyer and referring to what a judge would generally decide as reasonable, given the circumstances, is more effective as agreements can be reached more swiftly and therefore cost less in legal fees.
At the end of the day, if agreements can’t be reached then court fees and possibly barrister fees can mount up and a judge will decide what they think is reasonable based on the given circumstances. If you are disputing the divide of business assets or have a severe case of “stalemate” or total unreasonableness, then going to court may be the only way forward.
Collaborative Law Model - Creative, Modern and Effective for Many
The collaborative law process, involves round-the-table negotiations with your ex, their lawyer and your lawyer too. As coaches, we are big fans of this process as it actively encourages the participants to ‘begin with the end in mind’ and to agree high-level principles for how they want the divorce to be. Typically, people attracted to the collaborative model will want a dignified, amicable settlement, which is as fair as possible taking account of the needs of the various parties (including children).
What’s different here is that these high-level principles are decided at outset and referred back to if need be. Everyone, including both lawyers, have to collaborate together to achieve an outcome for all interested parties. People’s emotions and wishes about things are taken into account. There is more creative thinking in how to divide assets and arrive at agreements, as it doesn’t have to follow the way a judge would look at things (which is pretty much based on adding things up and dividing, whereas some things are emotionally more important). The lawyers have an extra incentive to reach agreement because if the process breaks down and has to go the traditional route instead, then different lawyers have to be appointed.
Cost wise, collaborative law can be very effective as the four-way negotiations mean that things can be discussed, clarified and agreed, rather than having endless letters going back and forth to clarify points. This model has been used successfully in North America and Canada since 1991, where the process also involves the divorcing couple having some life coaching sessions to help them be prepared, focused and emotionally ready for the negotiations. Couples report amicable outcomes for themselves and their children, where they achieve good ongoing communications and co-operation with child care and bring about the ability to move on positively with their lives.
For further information on the legal side go to www.collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk and www.resolution.org.uk
