Myths about coaching in collaborative divorce
5 Myths about coaching in divorce & mistakes to avoid (collaborative divorce process)
Statistics indicate that the most successful outcomes occur when coaches are involved in the collaborative divorce process. So why do some people make the mistake of not including them?
Myth 1: You feel fully prepared to move on and get to settlement amicably.
Reality: Typically, powerful emotions come to the surface for one or both parties. Even if you are ready to “move on”, your partner may be at a different stage in what is known as “the loss adjustment cycle”. This is especially true if one of you has been thinking of separating for longer than the other, or if a new relationship has already begun.
When you both have your own coach it demonstrates complete commitment to the collaborative procedure and respect for each others needs during the process. It also gives you tools to help you and your wider family adjust to changes which everyone is facing.
Myth 2: I can’t afford a coach
Reality: Statistics indicate that the average collaborative divorce cost less than the average non-collaborative divorce.
Lawyers often feel uncomfortable charging clients for non legal support because they are not trained in the same way as a coach and they charge more than a coach.
Coaches are better equipped to manage the emotional aspects which otherwise may cause long delays or even sabotage the process.
Cost is not just measured in money. Particularly if there are children, the emotional cost of not co-operating and communicating with your partner after divorce can be devastating for all concerned.
As coaching will benefit both parties, the fee could be agreed to be covered as part of the process.
Myth 3: I don’t need a coach to help me articulate what I want
Reality: Divorce is stressful. When we are stressed we don’t think clearly, we react to situations and can’t see beyond immediate fears and concerns. Divorce often changes our life priorities. Coaches help you align your decisions to you values.
Myth 4: Coaching is like therapy.
Reality: The collaborative coach does not act as therapist. They provide solution focussed, goal orientated support during the collaborative process and enhance communication. They do not delve into past issues or deal with deeper healing.
The coach comes from a wellness position, believing that you are the expert on your life and have all the capabilities to be the architects for your own best future. A therapeutic approach assumes something needs to be worked through in order to be well.
The collaborative coach works with you only during the divorce process holding you accountable to your principles and what you said is important in relation to the divorce. A therapist may work with someone for years in come cases and the agenda and scope may be completely separate from the divorce.
The coach shares information in the collaborative team to aid the process. A therapeutic relationship, by contrast, must remain confidential (If therapy is also required, it must be provided by someone else outside of the collaborative team)
Myth 5: We can bring in coaches later if needed
Reality: Often people splitting up don’t get on well. It’s much better to have the coaches engaged as soon as possible, even if it’s minimal involvement, rather than wait until it gets worse and try to reverse the negative dynamics.
Initial steps
The process for bringing in collaborative coaches may vary from one collaborative team to another but generally you would have an initial discussion with your coach so you can get to know each other and your aspirations. You would establish areas of potential conflict or concern to be addressed in your divorce. Then agree the way forward.
