Myths about divorce
It’s better to stay together for the children - Not if there is conflict and lots of stress or any abuse.
Divorce is failure - It is the end of a marriage but it’s how you choose to view it, whether it’s failure or a new chapter in your life. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce you are certainly not alone.
I am not married but we live together so I’ll be treated as a common law spouse - You have few rights if unmarried in England and Wales. Get advice
Lawyers are always out to make a fight and charge a fortune - There are some who may, but we have met many who genuinely want to help their clients get though this difficult time with the minimum of pain. Be wise when selecting a lawyer and legal process. There is collaborative law these days as well as traditional.
5 myths about coaching in divorce & mistakes to avoid
Myth 1:
You feel fully prepared to move on and get to settlement amicably so why do I need a coach?
Reality: Typically powerful emotions come to the surface for one or both parties. Even if you are ready to “move on”, your partner may be at a different stage in what is known as “the loss adjustment cycle” This is especially true if one of you has been thinking of separating for longer than the other, or if a new relationship has already begun.
When you both have your own coach it demonstrates complete commitment to the collaborative process and respect for each others needs during the process. It also gives you tools to help you manage the process of change with your wider family.
Myth 2:
I can’t afford a coach
Reality: Lawyers often feel uncomfortable charging clients for non legal support because they are not trained in the same way as a coach and they charge more than a coach.
Coaches are better equipped to manage the emotional aspects which otherwise may cause log delays or even sabotage the process.
Cost is not just measured by money. Particularly if there are children, the emotional cost of not finding a way to co-operate and communicate with your partner after divorce can be devastating for all concerned.
As coaching will benefit both parties, the fee could be agreed to be covered as part of the process.
Myth 3:
I don’t need a coach to help me articulate what I want
Reality: Divorce is stressful. When we are stressed we don’t think clearly, we react to situations and can’t see beyond immediate fears and concerns. Divorce often changes our life priorities. Coaches help you align your decisions to you values.
Tiger Woods and Andrew Murray are at the top of their professions in golf and tennis. Both would hire coaches to help them work on their thinking. They do this because they WANT to achieve the best outcome. Not because they NEED to but because a lot is at stake and the result is important. They want the best support they can get.
Coaches are also not like friends or family as they are going through their own loss and adjustment. Furthermore, unless they are trained to coach, they will find it difficult to be impartial.
Myth 4:
Coaching is like therapy.
Reality: A coach does not act as therapist. They provide solution focussed, goal orientated support during the collaborative process and enhance communication. They do not delve into past issues or deal with deeper healing.
The coach comes from a wellness position, believing that you are the expert on your life and have all the capabilities to be the architects for your own best future. A therapeutic approach assumes something needs to be worked through in order to be well.
A divorce coach typically works with you only during the divorce process or after divorce until you have developed and implemented the strategies to get you through or help you move on in your life positively. The coach may hold you accountable to your principles and what you said is important in relation to the divorce. Whereas a therapist may work with someone for years in come cases and the agenda and scope may be completely separate from the divorce.
The coach can with your permission share information with your lawyer to help aid the process. A therapeutic relationship, by contrast, must remain confidential.
Myth 5:
We can bring in coaches later if needed
Reality: Often people splitting up don’t get on well. It’s much better to have the coaches engaged as soon as possible, even if it’s minimal involvement, rather than wait until it gets worse and try to reverse the negative dynamics.
Initial steps
The process for engaging a coach will vary from one coach to another. With Great Coaching you have an initial discussion with your coach so you can get to know each other and your aspirations.
You would establish what you want to achieve and areas of potential conflict or concern. You would complete some self assessments to help establish if coaching is appropriate and discuss the various ways in which coaching may be appropriate.
Agree scope of coaching and next steps
