Coaching Through Divorce

How friends and family can help or hinder divorce trauma

Friends and family can play an important role in supporting someone through the emotional roller coaster of divorce or they can inadvertently escalate conflict and damage.

Divorce is stressful and people are usually distressed, confused, angry and depressed. Talking to a friend who listens well, helps you calm down when you feel like doing something you might regret and who helps you see the bigger picture is ideal. A friend who gets angry at the injustice, suggests revenge or who wants to know the latest gossip, will do more harm than good.

At the Starting over Show (Britain’s first divorce show) Fiona met Jane whose partner of 18 years left her for the next door neighbour. Jane was at the show with her friend Penny who has provided exceptional support. Both Ladies agreed for me to share their story to help others.

Jane said “Penny has been amazing; she has helped me cope with so much. I couldn’t have managed without her. First there was the shock of my partner being unfaithful after 18 years of trust. Then there was the shock that even though I brought up our three children and we lived like husband and wife, I was entitled to nothing as we weren’t married. Then there was the shock of him actually moving in with the neighbour next door, who was my friend, so the whole thing was right in my face.”

Penny said “I am older than Jane, I was divorced a long time ago and I don’t have children dependent on me now so I have the time to support Jane more than most of her other friends. I try to listen patiently without being judgemental, and not inflame the situation. I would often say calmly, now take a deep breath or make a cup of tea and call me back in 5 minutes. Or let’s take it one step at a time.

I’d help Jane to see things from others perspectives and the bigger picture for example at times she would get quite bossy with her ex and I would say, hang on a minute, what do you think it would be like to be in his shoes being told what to do like that? How else could you ask? Also I would remind her that she wants the kids to still have their Dad supporting them so she has to find a way for them to co-operate.

When Jane calls me each day I would start by asking her - ‘how are the kids, are they ok? What have you given them to eat today?’ because I know when you are stressed about the divorce it’s easy to take your anxiety out on them or be so rushed that you don’t give them the attention they need.”

Jane said  “I knew I could trust Penny not to tell anyone else what we discussed and that was crucial as some people do gossip and the last things I want is Chinese whispers. I also knew that it was OK for me to call her any time I needed to - even when she was in Australia for three weeks and in a different time zone. She has been amazing to me.”

I asked Penny how she manages to not get overwhelmed by all of this. She replied by saying, “I am a happy person in my own right and I am choosing to offer this support. I am good at setting boundaries so that when it gets too overwhelming for me I say ‘ok I need a bit of time for myself now’. ”

Unfortunately what many divorcees experience is that their friends will listen for a while, then they get fed up with it all and make excuses to stop the conversation, or not return calls, sometimes because they just don’t have the time even though they would like to help. The one getting divorced then feels abandoned or just decides to not keep bothering their friend and then misses out on support.

What is ideal, is when both friends set some expectations about how much support can be asked for and what the other can provide, so that it works for them both. They also need to agree a way to communicate when they need a break. In practice very few friends would be able to provide the impartial, unconditionally constructive yet honest support which Penny has provided. Thankfully Divorce Coaches are trained to provide exactly this kind of support.

Jane said some other friends were so angry at what had happened that they were encouraging her to seek revenge and talked about throwing a brick through the window among other things. I explained to Jane that her friends are also going through what is known as the ‘loss adjustment cycle’, and after the shock it’s usually anger that they experience then the sadness. Reacting when angry can make future negotiations around money and children very difficult.

Jane said “Unfortunately I did do something when really angry and out of control and it scared me that I could behave so badly. I realise that reacting when really angry might make you feel better in the very short term but it does nothing to help the longer term negotiations.”

 
If you are a friend or relative of someone going through relationship break-up and want some tips on how to help support your friend regarding managing your own emotions, or choosing the right kind of questions and language to use to help your friend move from overwhelm to being in control during this difficult time, then a one off phone coaching session plus “Tips for Friends hand out” out will really help you. Call 01202 257364 to book your session. We sincerely hope the small fee of £33 will be one of the best investments you can make to help your friend.

By Fiona Sutherland
of great coaching Services
01202 257364
www.coachingthroughdivorce.co.uk