Dealing with Loss
The Loss adjustment cycle
The end of the relationship is a loss. Just as with death of a loved one and losing a job, we each go through what’s known as the “loss adjustment cycle”. You experience feelings of shock, anger, sadness, guilt, fear, depression, etc gradually coming to acceptance, leading to growth and new identity. When we run workshops or begin any divorce coaching programme we help clients to identify where they are in the cycle. They almost always comment that they find this information useful and it helps them realise that all the symptoms of stress are not that they are going mad!
Children, friends and family are also affected by this cycle and so their behaviour can seem a bit strange at times, though this is perfectly normal.
The Iceberg
Most of what a lawyer or financial adviser deals with relates to decisions and actions. These require logical thinking and actually taking action - which is behaviour. We are all emotional beings and what you see in our behaviour is only the tip of the iceberg. What is below the surface - our emotions, feelings, fears, patterns of thinking and responding are what drives our behaviour.
Bridget coached a lady whose lawyer and financial adviser both explained logically why she had to sell the house to enable the divorce to progress and assets be divided. Even though it was logistically not possible for her to afford to stay in that house she would not agree to progress selling it. Only once Bridget helped her look below the surface did she become aware that what was stopping her was a fear over how she would re-build her life in a new place with new neighbours. Only once this fear was addressed, and strategies to deal with it developed, could she begin to deal with the paperwork to sell the house.
