This leads to a sea of emotions such as anger, sorrow, frustration, anguish, hatred, bitterness, regret and mostly: FEAR. Inevitably as a result we get emotionally and physically stressed and depressed.

People affected are normally more concerned about emotional healing and completely forget that there’s a body supporting them through the process and in desperate need of care and attention. How would you expect to cope with the huge emotional strain without a healthy body and immune system?

Stress is to be taken seriously! It is not simply a psychological phenomenon but it also includes all processes of adaptation or response of the whole body.

According to Hans Hugo Selye, stress has a three phase reaction:

1. Alarm reaction which is the body’s ability to respond temporarily, a kind of shock reaction that is normally of short duration.

2. State of resistance - if stress continues, extra cortisone and adrenaline are produced and released which increases the body’s ability to adapt to stressful situations.

3. State of exhaustion - by an ongoing state of resistance, the body becomes exhausted and cannot produce the extra chemicals and energy for further resistance. It’s that burnt-out feeling experienced during long term stress, very characteristic of divorce and separation.

Look after your body and health long before the onset of the state of exhaustion. Emotional and physical healing go hand in hand. It’s almost impossible to heal one without the other.

Experiments have shown that three organs in particular are affected by stress: the stomach, the thymus and the adrenal glands. The relation between stomach and stress is widely recognized as is the connection between the thymus and the immune system whose response to stress is widely known. And last but not least there is the functional weakness of the adrenal glands which may cause all sorts of ailments such as allergies, states of fear, chronic tiredness, exhaustion, high blood pressure, immune system dysfunction, to mention some.

The important point is to acknowledge that stress of any kind, if consistent and intense enough will lead to damage and degeneration of these three organs. Stress also pulls calcium from the bones.

There is, however, a way to take control over and minimize the devastating effects stress can have on you.

No matter what or how - don’t neglect your body and your health - pamper yourself with healthy stuff. Your body is taking you through the whole process and as such requires your undivided attention.

Emotions which normally escape the mind’s control, simply show up, take over, you are continuously tired, de-motivated, depressed, you easily lose appetite and can’t think of food at all, let alone cooking from scratch.

In times of prolonged stress

In times of prolonged stress your body needs a large amount of vitamins and minerals and essential fatty acids found in healthy, natural food. I would suggest the “real thing” instead if supplements. Fresh fruit and veg are infinitely superior to any chemically-produced nutritional supplement.

Try to give yourself time to unwind, relax, and a good night’s sleep regenerates the adrenal glands and the whole body.

Support your body and immune system by drinking loads of freshly pressed fruits and vegetables during the day. Eat lively, brightly coloured vegetables and fruits, preferably organic, in salads and soups or lightly steamed. They contain the very enzymes your digestive system needs to nourish all the cells of your body.

Nibble on fresh fruit and veg, seeds and nuts of your preference instead of munching lifeless, processed junk and comfort food. Healthy food gives you the ‘sap and zest-of-life’ you need to better cope with the strenuous splitting-up process. What’s the point in being run-down if you can choose to split-up healthily in great shape and style?

Stress is the greatest suppressor of the body’s immune function and particular emphasis may be given to the following:

1. Whenever possible, remove all stimulants such as coffee, alcohol, tobacco (not always easy, but worth a try) and replace them with wholesome drinks such as herbal teas, freshly made juices and clean, filtered water.
2. B vitamins, which are the stress vitamins, particularly B5 (Pantothenic acid) for the adrenals which is found in avocados, bananas, broccoli, lentils, peas, wheatgerm, oranges Sugar consumption rapidly depletes absorption of Vitamin B1 (thiamine). 
3. Vitamin C - your bodily requirements increase greatly in times of great stress. Natural sources such as oranges, grapefruit, red peppers, tangerines, tomatoes and watercress can be eaten “au naturel” or juiced.

4. Glutamine is an amino acid produced by the body and there’s normally no need to take it as supplement. In times of great stress, however, it is advisable to increase the intake by the means of dietary sources such as moderate animal proteins (beef, pork and poultry), and plenty of yogurt, ricotta cheese, cottage cheese, raw spinach, raw parsley, and cabbage.

5. Chamomile and Valerian Teas both act as gentle sedatives.

These are some nutritional suggestions and by no means a complete and balanced dietary plan to supply your individual needs.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all nutritional healing and well- being programme.

Since every person is unique, so are their dietary needs. What works for one might not work for another. If you are interested in supporting your health during the hard times of splitting up, a nutritional healing and well being programme could be exactly what your body and soul need.
Dr Carmen Schurt - Integrated Health Consultant
Naturopathy - Health Coaching
www.thenaturalpath-med.com
info@thenaturalpath-med.com

Take for instance Joe and Mary Castange (names, details and identities have been changed to preserve anonymity). They have two children, Gemma, a girl aged 8 years and Horace, a boy aged 6 years. Mary the mother is of English origin but has lived and worked as a freelance translator in various locations in Europe over the last ten years. She met her husband Joe in Spain nine years ago and they were married in the Balearic Islands before honeymooning in Barbados. Joe is of Portuguese origin but has not lived in Portugal since a teenager. They have houses in England and France and the children spend time with their parents at both places as Mary now lives in England but Joe is currently living and working in France.

About two years ago Joe and Mary faced the fact that their marriage had broken down. At that stage it was agreed that both children would spend time with both the parents having their schooling in England and holidaying with their father in France. The situation has recently changed as Mary is now in a relationship with Angus who lives in Scotland whilst Joe is planning to set up home with his new girlfriend in Australia.

Mary is keen for Gemma and Horace to retain their relationship with their father but thinks that it is unrealistic for the children to travel to Australia and wants Joe to fly to Scotland twice each year to see the children there. Joe strongly disagrees and thinks that it would be better for the children to live with him in Australia. Gemma likes the idea of seeing kangaroos and koala bears and Horace wants to go surfing. Mary worries that the children will be enticed by these attractions whilst she feels strongly that it is important for them to remain with her as their mother during their childhood.

So what would your solution be? How can this be resolved? Answers are not likely to fit on a standard postcard. There is inevitably scope for conflict but also for imaginative solutions to be reached for the benefit of all concerned. Identifying the matters likely to be most important and to produce the best results may help to override the emotional stances which could undermine the finding of a good and workable solution. Your situation may be very different or have one or more similar features to this. Where would you start to try to find the right professionals to guide you through the process and ensure that the end result was legally binding and enforceable for the protection of all involved?

A good starting point is to talk to a Collaborative Family lawyer who practices in a jurisdiction with which you are familiar and talks the same language as you. In this case Mary and Joe would probably approach English lawyers as the children are based at school in the UK. However they could choose French lawyers if they preferred.

But why a Collaborative lawyer? One reason is that they are adept at helping you identify and find creative solutions to many different issues. They will also be able to advise you on the right legal jurisdiction so you know in which court to issue any application to record and make legally binding any agreed settlements. Your Collaborative lawyer can also assist in identifying other professionals to support you through the process such as a Life Coach from Great Coaching Services.
Carolyn Taylor

Caro Taylor Solicitor

Carolyn is an experienced Family and Children Solicitor with over twenty years specialism. Carolyn is also a Member of the Advanced Family Law Panel and Children panels of the SRA (formerly the Law Society). She qualified as a Collaborative Lawyer with Resolution in January 2009 and deals with a number of international cases as well as local .

www.carotaylor.com

Email to: info@carotaylor.com

Tel: 01202 678444

Address: Caro Taylor Solicitor
18a High Street Poole Dorset BH15 1BP England

“I felt I had to choose between my mum and my dad.”

“Why can’t they just act like grown ups?”

” No one asked what I wanted.”

Children experience many different feelings when their parents split up. Whether a couple are married or unmarried, the children might be confused, angry ,scared or even feel that they are to blame for the separation, even if they don’t say much about what they are thinking and feeling.

Questions such as, “where will everyone live?”, “how will the bills and mortgage be paid?” and “when and where will the children see each parent?” are common and will need to be resolved. How parents go about solving these problems can have a tremendous impact on how their children feel about what is happening.

The majority of specialist family lawyers are members of Resolution, the leading national family lawyers organisation. They know that the parents need not only legal advice, but also help from a range of different professionals. That is why family lawyers also work with counsellors, coaches, therapists and mediators who can help parents and children come to terms with what is happening.

It is important, but not always easy, to keep children issues separate from other important issues such as finances. It can be equally difficult for parents to put their children’s interests first when trying to agree on what is best for their children.

Having an open and honest dialogue which is constructive and non-confrontational is often the best way for parents to talk things through, and there are a number of different ways of doing this. If the parents speaking directly only results in further arguments, this can obviously be harmful to the children witnessing this.

An alternative, is to talk with the help of a mediator who might help reduce tension and hostility whilst keeping parents focused on what is most important; doing the best thing for their children. Some mediators are specially trained to involve older children in this process, by meeting with them and where appropriate reporting back to the parents what the children have said and their wishes & feelings.

Another alternative is for the parents and their lawyers to sit around the table and focus on their long-term goals. This can include the collaborative process, with an anchor statement being prepared at the beginning, which should include important points to focus on such as, “I don’t want our children feeling that they are being torn between us”.

If parents cannot agree on where a child lives and how much time they spend with each of their parents, the Court process will normally involve an independent Child and Family Reporter (from CAFCASS) investigating the case, by speaking to both parents and the children involved, before making an objective recommendation. Very few cases are so difficult that a Judge has to make a final decision and an agreement between the parents is welcomed at any time.

Therefore, if you are reading this article and are concerned that what is happening in your life could have a bad effect on your children, remember that there are different professionals and different methods for avoiding the emotional harm children can suffer when their parents split up.

By,

Colin Mitchell, Family Solicitor, Coles Miller Solicitors LLP, Poole

If you find yourself affected by any of the above issues, please feel free to contact Colin Mitchell, on 01202 673011 or by email on cmitchell@coles-miller.co.uk. Also Colin’s colleagues within the Family Team can help; Emma Hamilton Cole at the Broadstone office (telephone 01202 694891 or by email ehamiltoncole@coles-miller.co.uk) and Tanya Hall at the Charminster and Bournemouth offices (telephone 01202 511512 or by email thall@coles-miller.co.uk).
7th May 2009

Resolution the special interest group of Family Law practitioners have published the results of their survey into Collaborative practice for the years 2006-2008 and found that there is an increasing number of cases being dealt with in this way to the general satisfaction of both clients and their professional advisers.

The success rate of the process in which the lawyers agree with their clients not to represent them in contested court procedures is as high as 85%.

Most of the cases conducted involved clients with dependent children where the advantage of their parents being able to take responsibility for the outcome of their separation should be the best result for the children in avoiding future acrimony and enabling both parents to continue to play a role in the childrens future upbringing.

The cases settled more quickly than would have been the case had the matter been dealt with in the usual manner involving court proceedings.

The value of the assets involved in the matters that were dealt with in this way were most often over £250,000 but a third of the Collaborative lawyers surveyed had dealt with cases in which the assets were between £100,000 and £250,000 and a fifth of the lawyers had dealt with cases in which the assets were less than £100,000. It was thought by the lawyers surveyed that the Collaborative approach was most unlikely to have been more expensive than a court based decision and made less expensive in between half and a quarter of cases dealt with Collaboratively (in the rest of the cases I must assume costs to have been about the same).

The take up of Collaborative cases means that it still forms only a relatively small part of most family lawyers work in which most often the clients are middle aged economically active and well educated and there is a need for careful screening still of those cases that are considered suitable to be dealt with in this way.

The Collaborative practitioners surveyed said that they were increasingly recognising the value of bringing other professionals into the Collaborative process.

Over half of the clients interviewed were very positive as to the outcome and the rest mainly positive. Whilst the process was not considered by the clients to be easy they recognised the need for good support from their professional advisers.

These findings are consistent with my own experience of working Collaboratively over the last 5 years and I am keen to continue increasing the scope of the work that can be done collaboratively as well as improving the quality of the settlements achieved - the key to both may well be the increasing use of Collaborative consultants such as Independent Financial Advisers and life coaches.

Jonathan Talbot
Partner and Collaborative Lawyer LACEYS Bournemouth

More than a third of the adult population in England and Wales have been in a co-habiting relationship at some time and the number of such couples increased by over 60% in the 10 years to 2006. The stigma associated with “living in sin” has long since disappeared. According to the British Social Attitudes Report 2007/2008 almost 9 out of 10 people think that a co-habiting partner should have a right to financial provision if their relationship is a long-term one, has involved prioritising one partner’s career or includes children. However, the law fails to protect the interests of co-habiting couples when they separate. For example, one partner cannot be ordered to pay maintenance to the other because the law (as it presently stands) takes no account of the relationship and does not try to achieve a fair outcome between former partners. The aim of the Co-habitation Bill is to address the difficulties faced by such couples when they split up, ensure that they are fairly treated and to provide a safety net for vulnerable people.

How will the Bill work? The intention is to set up a scheme for couples who have lived together for at least 2 years or who have a child together, providing them with the right to claim a range of financial orders within a certain period of time after separation. Couples will be able to opt out of the scheme if they wish to do so. The Court will only be able to make a financial order if that is deemed fair. The Court will be able to take into account all the circumstances, particularly if there are children involved. The aim is that both parties will be financially independent as quickly as possible.

Does the Bill undermine marriage? No! The proposed changes will confer limited protection and there are no plans to treat co-habiting couples in the same way as those who have been married and then divorce. Claims for maintenance will be limited to meeting reasonable needs and payments will usually only be available for a maximum period of 3 years.

Why don’t co-habitants just get married if they want legal rights? There are a number of reasons why marriage may not be appropriate. Some couples wrongly think they are protected as common-law husband and wife and choose not to marry on that basis. Sometimes one half of the couple wants to marry but the other one does not.

Why not wait for the Government to act? The lack of protection for co-habiting couples is causing hardship for couples right here and now. The Government wants to wait until research into the Scottish scheme has been completed (co-habitants have some rights in Scotland) but this might not be for some time. The number of co-habitants is increasing year on year and I believe that action is needed as soon as possible to protect them. Many other countries, including Canada, Australia and New Zealand already provide legal protection for co-habiting couples.

As a family lawyer based in Hampshire with over 20 years experience I have come across numerous instances in which genuine hardship has been experienced by one half of a former co-habiting couple. I remember one case in which the couple had been together for over 25 years when the relationship ended. David had grown tired of Caroline and decided to trade her in for a younger model. The house that they lived in had been bought in his sole name and he had always paid the mortgage. Caroline had given up work to look after David and the children. She had always wanted to “tie the knot” but he kept on putting it off and she thought, mistakenly, that it did not matter very much because the legal system would protect her. Sadly, she ended up homeless and destitute. Lord Lester’s Bill (if it becomes law) will change all this and bring the law into line with modern day life. The Bill is supported by Hampshire Resolution, of which I am a member. Resolution is a 5,500 strong group of family lawyers committed to promoting a non-confrontational atmosphere in which family law matters are dealt with in a sensitive, constructive and cost-effective way. Resolution is hopeful that their Lordships will see the need for reform in this much neglected area of the law.
Simon Burge
Regional Press Officer
Hampshire Resolution and Partner at Blake Lapthorn

Blake Lapthorn
19 St Peter St. Winchester Hants SO23 8BU
01962 844440
www.bllaw.co.uk

They will also be going through their own cycle of loss as they are losing you and your partner as a couple. They may also feel duty bound to sever either the relationship with your partner or with yourself to support the other.
They will be torn about who to invite to what social event so will end up inviting neither of you. They will feel guilt and anger and all of the other emotions experienced in the cycle of loss. The change in circumstances is also a change that has been visited upon them and not of their own making. They might feel a little resentful as a result.

So at a point in your life where it could be argued you need the support of your friends and family more than ever, they will be avoiding you because they feel uncomfortable around the whole situation.
As a general principle, using a little empathy and considering the longer term perspective, if your friends and family don’t feel pressure to take sides, if they are helped to understand that they can talk about what’s happening and how it’s affecting them and that they are betraying no trusts by maintaining a relationship with both you and your ex-partner - their discomfort and anxiety around you will be largely reduced. This will also reduce their tendency to avoid you and thus be available to support you when you need it most.

When it comes to children it is very hard to know what is the right thing to do. There is no instruction manual to life, especially in these circumstances, so we must try and be aware of some general principles that affect how kids perceive the world and then take on board what we can do to try and help.

It’s especially hard because we’re usually navigating our own troubled waters. So to put our own stuff on hold and consider the situation of others can be harder than ever. However it’s an area where empathy with our kids can be the greatest help not only in supporting them but in gaining differing perspectives of our own situation. Putting yourself in your children’s shoes to try and understand what they are going through, helps you understand what they are expecting, what their fears are and thus how best to address them. It also broadens your view of your own situation which can help untangle some of your own thoughts.

Kids will blame themselves, even though as adults it is obvious to us that the children are completely blameless in the situation. We have little direct control over this so we can only try to minimise the impact. It’s not something that they will necessarily be consciously aware of but more to do with how children are programmed to perceive the world around them. Ultimately the self blame can result in poor self worth, anxiety and emotional distress both at the time and later in life.

They will also probably feel extremely vulnerable, frightened and possibly abandoned. The security of their existence has been threatened. Children are dependent upon their carers for their survival so a change in circumstances can feel like a life threatening event.
Often the stability of their lives has been badly damaged. They want that stability back. Creating a sense or atmosphere of stability and ‘normality’ will help them. Children usually find comfort in routine, consistency and well maintained boundaries. They will be looking to you for how to act and how to feel. You need to be setting the model. It is not enough to tell them and then act differently yourself. The child wants to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, more-so now than at any other time.

To help reduce the impact children will also typically need to genuinely feel without blame in the situation and be helped to understand that the situation is without blame. This needs reinforcing regularly. Finger pointing between parents of any sort will put them in emotionally untenable situation as it will imply that loving one or other parent is wrong. But the messages will conflict and it overloads the child’s ability to comprehend. They will feel that both parents must be right even though it’s illogical. With no other position to go to the child reaches what they feel is the only other logical conclusion and blames themselves.

The children will also be experiencing loss as we all do in such times. Loss of the family unit, loss of ongoing access to both parents and loss of what they will consider being ‘normality’. Entering a cycle of loss often stirs many extreme emotions which can appear almost randomly. There are often feelings of anger, guilt, fear & sadness, ultimately ending in acceptance. There is no expected period of loss nor is there much logic or order to it. Recognising it and allowing it can help in arriving at acceptance more rapidly.

 Jamie practices as a therapeutic counsellor in Brighton and also a coach with Great Coaching Services.  Call 01202 257364

Lord Lester’s Co-habitation Bill received its Second Reading in the House of Commons on 13th March 2009. Reform is desperately needed because the law has simply not kept up with fundamental changes in the way in which many people choose to live. The Bill is to go forward to the next stage in the House of Lords. Sadly, the Government did not speak in favour although apparently it recognises the need for change.
So why is the law relating to co-habitation out of step with modern families?

Couples who co-habit do not automatically have any legal protection, regardless of the length of their relationship or whether they have children together. There is no such thing as a “common-law marriage” and, sadly, the discovery that the legal system is unable to offer any real help often comes too late for separating couples. It is a disgrace that cohabiting couples are left at risk of serious financial hardship if their relationships end or if one of them dies.

More than a third of the adult population in England and Wales have been in a co-habiting relationship at some time and the number of such couples increased by over 60% in the 10 years to 2006. The stigma associated with “living in sin” has long since disappeared. According to the British Social Attitudes Report 2007/2008 almost 9 out of 10 people think that a co-habiting partner should have a right to financial provision if their relationship is a long-term one, has involved prioritising one partner’s career or includes children. However, the law fails to protect the interests of co-habiting couples when they separate. For example, one partner cannot be ordered to pay maintenance to the other because the law (as it presently stands) takes no account of the relationship and does not try to achieve a fair outcome between former partners. The aim of the Co-habitation Bill is to address the difficulties faced by such couples when they split up, ensure that they are fairly treated and to provide a safety net for vulnerable people.

How will the Bill work? The intention is to set up a scheme for couples who have lived together for at least 2 years or who have a child together, providing them with the right to claim a range of financial orders within a certain period of time after separation. Couples will be able to opt out of the scheme if they wish to do so. The Court will only be able to make a financial order if that is deemed fair. The Court will be able to take into account all the circumstances, particularly if there are children involved. The aim is that both parties will be financially independent as quickly as possible.

Does the Bill undermine marriage? No! The proposed changes will confer limited protection and there are no plans to treat co-habiting couples in the same way as those who have been married and then divorce. Claims for maintenance will be limited to meeting reasonable needs and payments will usually only be available for a maximum period of 3 years.

Why don’t co-habitants just get married if they want legal rights? There are a number of reasons why marriage may not be appropriate. Some couples wrongly think they are protected as common-law husband and wife and choose not to marry on that basis. Sometimes one half of the couple wants to marry but the other one does not.

Why not wait for the Government to act? The lack of protection for co-habiting couples is causing hardship for couples right here and now. The Government wants to wait until research into the Scottish scheme has been completed (co-habitants have some rights in Scotland) but this might not be for some time. The number of co-habitants is increasing year on year and I believe that action is needed as soon as possible to protect them. Many other countries, including Canada, Australia and New Zealand already provide legal protection for co-habiting couples.

As a family lawyer based in Hampshire with over 20 years experience I have come across numerous instances in which genuine hardship has been experienced by one half of a former co-habiting couple. I remember one case in which the couple had been together for over 25 years when the relationship ended. David had grown tired of Caroline and decided to trade her in for a younger model. The house that they lived in had been bought in his sole name and he had always paid the mortgage. Caroline had given up work to look after David and the children. She had always wanted to “tie the knot” but he kept on putting it off and she thought, mistakenly, that it did not matter very much because the legal system would protect her. Sadly, she ended up homeless and destitute. Lord Lester’s Bill (if it becomes law) will change all this and bring the law into line with modern day life. The Bill is supported by Hampshire Resolution, of which I am a member. Resolution is a 5,500 strong group of family lawyers committed to promoting a non-confrontational atmosphere in which family law matters are dealt with in a sensitive, constructive and cost-effective way. Resolution is hopeful that their Lordships will see the need for reform in this much neglected area of the law.
Simon Burge
Regional Press Officer
Hampshire Resolution  and Partner at Blake Lapthorn